i know we all lose someone, a friend, a lover, a parent, a sibling. at some stage in our dear life, we lose someone so dear, it feels like we never will be able to move on.
first u feel this hard knot in your tummy, it wriggles, as if to tickle, when all it does really is to prick. makes yo tummy hard, and before you know it, there is a rush of temperature starting from your abdomen, and rising up all around you.
you begin to feel like yo heart is no longer attached to its mighty vessels – you get a hollow feeling in your chest, and then you switch intermittently between long breaths, and quick gasps. its as if you start to fight to breathe
as the combination of your wrestling tummy and grappling breathers starts to rise up, as if truly in your body, you often cant hold back the urge to cry. in your chest, something feels hard, and its rising up to your throat. it makes the involuntary act of swallowing saliva suddenly such a daunting task!
its overwhelming, as a tinge of shiver comes over your body. All this time, you know you are going to break down, but as inevitable emotions proceed, as if on cue, you are amazed at how much lack of control you have.
you might even wonder – if you have time – why for once, you cant command your brain to do something else. but the pain that has so far led to your mish mash state is so real, and as it faces you, your eyes cant help but well up. unbeknown-st to you, you have been crying for a little while now, your eyes are just an escape flow…
sometimes its the pain of never seeing someone again, sometimes, its knowing life will never be the same , or maybe its the pain you get as u take stock of past moments, that are now changing, changing for better or worse, there is no way to tell.
sometimes, its the price you have to pay, or the principle, you can never raise again. Sometimes its the profits gone up in pieces, or the promise that will never be.
so as your heart, finally takes stock of all, you cant help but cry more. you cant help wonder what led to this. you cant help wonder if things could have been better, if something could have prevented the worst.
is it the worst day? how do you know? who cares about how to rate it – all you care about is how to – if possible – rename the day, or maybe wipe it off the calendar before it causes more hurt. all you need to – not the status quo – but the assurance of a peace now past, the confidence you had in the person, the continued flow of the treasures, which you now have to remember.
all we want is to know that we did everything we could to avoid this. And when we realize we didn’t, we cry even more. we dont wail, or shout hysterically, afterall, everything we feel is in our heart of hearts, btu we sure cant fathom the pain.
its not like you prepare for it, you don’t imagine its the one coming when you pick up the phone, you get it, n right there, you have to deal with it.
i guess, we have to go thru life, with the reality that sometimes, we will have to cry…